Dialogue Mechanics

Notes from “Self-editing for Fiction Writers”

What’s wrong with the dialogue in the following examples?

Example 1:

“You can’t be serious,” she said in astonishment.

Example 2:

“I find that difficult to accept,” she said in astonishment.

Example 3:

“I’m afraid it’s not going very well,” he said grimly.

“Keep scrubbing until you’re finished,” she said harshly.

“I don’t know, I can’t seem to work up the steam to do anything,” he said listlessly.

Example 4:

“Give it to me,” she demanded.

“Here it is,” he offered.

“Is it loaded?” she inquired

Example 5:

“I hate to admit that,” he grimaced.

“Come closer,” she smiled.

“So you’ve changed your mind,” he chuckled.

Example 6 (conversation between two people)

“I just don’t believe he’d say that, Chet.”

“Well, Hortense, I may have heard wrong, but—”

“Cut it out, Chet. Just cut it out.”

DIALOGUE TIPS

• Every time you insert an explanation into dialogue, you’re cheating your readers out of a little bit of one of your characters.

• Don’t use speaker attributions as a way of slipping in explanations into your dialogue.

• Your best bet is to use the verb “said” almost without exception. Verbs other than “said” tend to draw attention away from the dialogue. It draws attention to your technique as a reader, and a technique that distracts the reader is never a good idea.

• Don’t open a paragraph of dialogue with the speaker attribution. Instead, start a paragraph with dialogue and place the speaker attribution at the first natural break in the first sentence.

• Place the character’s name or pronoun first in the speaker attribution (i.e., “Dave said” instead of “said Dave.”

• Decide how you are going to refer to the character and stick with it for at least the length of the scene. Don’t use “Hubert said” on one page, “Mr. Winchester said,” on the next, and “the old man said” on the third.

• If you want to reduce the number of said’s in your dialogue, replace it with beats. For example:

“But didn’t you promise…” Jessie said.

“I did nothing of the sort,” Tyrone said.

“Now, look, you two—” Dudley said.

“You stay out of this,” Tyrone said.

“But didn’t you promise…” Jessie said.

“I did nothing of the sort,” Tyrone said.

Dudley stepped between them and held up his hands. “Now, look, you two—”

Tyrone spun on him. “You stay out of this.”

Key tip: Don’t get carried away with this technique. A beat after every line of dialogue is even more distracting than too many speaker attributions. Find a comfortable balance.

• Use ellipses (…) to show conversation training off. Use the em-dash (—) to cut off conversation abruptly.

• Start a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker.

Empowering Antagonists

Notes from “The Fire in Fiction” 

Cardboard villains don’t scare us. Stereotypical antagonists lack teeth. By contrast, an antagonist who is human, understandable, justified, and even right will stir in your readers the maximum unease. In creating antagonists, reject the idea of evil. Make them good. Make them active. Bring them on stage and into your protagonist’s face. An antagonist who merely lurks isn’t doing much for your story. 

Step 1: Find five ways and times at which your antagonist will directly engage your protagonist. 

Step 2: Write out your antagonist’s opinion of your protagonist. What does your antagonist like about your protagonist? How does your antagonist want to help your protagonist? What advice does your antagonist have? 

Step 3: How can your antagonist be summarized or defined? A boss? A senator? A mother-in-law? List five stereotypes associated with such a type. Find one way in which your antagonist is exactly the opposite. 

Step 4: Create four actions that will make your antagonist warm and sympathetic. 

Step 5: Assume that your antagonist is justified and right. Make her case in writing. Find times in history when things ran her way and were good. Find a passage from theology, philosophy, or folk wisdom that supports your antagonist’s outlook. Choose one character whom your antagonist will win over. In what way does your protagonist agree with your antagonist?

The First 50 Pages

• How strong is your first line? Make sure you lead off with something that will catch your reader’s from the very beginning. 
• Do you start with a dream scenario? Because that's a quick path to rejection from an agent/publisher 
• Does your story have an engaging hook? 
• Are you telling instead of showing? Remember the old writing adage "show don't tell." 
• Double check your point-of-view. Make sure you don't have any errors or shifts in POV. 
• Make sure your characters have depths 
• Is there a lack of beats for pacing and description? 
• Check for stilted dialogue. 
• Are there inadequate descriptions of characters and settings (or details that are introduced to the reader too late?) 
• Are you starting the main action too soon? 
• Are you going into flashbacks too early in the story? 
• Do you jump to a new viewpoint character too early? 
• Is there enough conflict?
• Is there something at stake for your hero?

Review of The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom

The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom (with authors John and Elizabeth Sherrill) is the true story of a Dutch family of Christians, the ten Boom family.  This wonderfully written autobiography of Corrie ten Boom begins in Holland in 1937 when Corrie is 45 years old, and with the 100th Anniversary celebration of their watch shop.  The story then takes you back in time to when Corrie is six years old, living with her mother, father, who is a watchmaker, her older brother and two sisters, and her aunts in their house which they call the Beje (pronounced BAY-yay).  The story tells of how Corrie becomes the first licensed woman watchmaker in Holland and of her family up through to the time of the 100th Anniversary party, where the story begins, and following, through the difficult years of the Nazi occupation and WWII, when the ten Boom family accepts the challenges of hiding Jews during the Holocaust.  This book is my all-time favorite and I confess I've probably read it as many as ten times. While it does expose the horrors of what was going on in the labor and death camps during the Nazi occupation, it is an incredibly inspirational story of faith and courage and a wonderful tribute to a family who knew how to allow God to use them to help others, and so it's a very enjoyable read.  The story flows like water, so that it is one of those books that is literally hard to put down.  I highly recommend this book for high-school age and above.  For those who especially like stories of this period in history, it is a must-read.

The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald

Princess Irene lives in a castle with lots of servants. One night she finds a stairway leading up to lots of doors. In one of the doors she finds something that no one knew was there. Besides that the miners son Curdie finds a goblin base and overhears a nasty plan.

The characters in this book are charming. And you get to know them very well when you read this.  It is a great story as well. The plot is exciting.

The beginning is okay but not as good as later on in the story.

I recommend this book for those who love fantasy.

Review by Stephanie

The Hero's Journey

THE ORDINARY WORLD: Most stories take the hero out of the ordinary, mundane world and into a Special World, new and alien. You have to first show her in that Ordinary World to create a vivid contrast with the strange new world he is about to enter 

THE CALL TO ADVENTURE: The hero is presented with a problem, challenge, or adventure to undertake. Once presented with a Call to Adventure, she can no longer remain indefinitely in the comfort of the Ordinary World 

REFUSAL OF THE CALL (THE RELUCTANT HERO): Often at this point, the hero balks at the threshold of adventure, Refusing the Call or expressing reluctance. After all, she is facing the greatest of all fears, terror of the unknown 

MENTOR (THE WISE OLD MAN OR WOMAN): By this time, many stories will have introduced a Merlin-like character who is the hero’s Mentor. The function of Mentors is to prepare the hero to face the unknown. They may give advice, guidance or magical equipment 

CROSSING THE FIRST THRESHOLD: Now the hero finally commits to the adventure and fully enters the Special World of the story for the first time by Crossing the First Threshold. This is the moment when the story takes off and the adventure really gets going 

TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES: Once across the First Threshold, the hero naturally encounters new challenges and Tests, makes Allies and Enemies, and begins to learn the rules of the Special World 

APPROACH TO THE INMOST CAVE: The hero comes at last to the edge of a dangerous place where the object of the quest is hidden. Often is it the headquarters of the hero’s greatest enemy, the most dangerous spot in the Special World, the Inmost Cave. Heroes often pause at the gate to prepare, plan, and outwit the villain’s guards. This is the phase of Approach 

THE ORDEAL: Here the fortunes of the hero hit bottom in direct confrontation with his greatest fear. He faces the possibility of death and is brought to the brink in a battle with a hostile force. The Ordeal is a “black moment” for the audience, as we are held in suspense and tension, not knowing if he will live or die 

REWARD (SEIZING THE SWORD): Having survived death, beaten the dragon, etc, hero and audience have cause to celebrate. The hero now takes possession of the treasure she has come seeking, her Reward. It might be a special weapon like a magic sword, or a token like the Grail or some elixir which can heal the wounded land. Sometimes, the “sword” is knowledge and experience that leads to greater understanding and reconciliation with hostile forces 

THE ROAD BACK: The hero’s not out of the woods yet. The hero begins to deal with the consequences of confronting the dark forces of the Ordeal. Some of the best chase scenes spring up at this point as the hero is pursued on The Road Back by the vengeful forces she has disturbed by seizing the reward 

RESURRECTION: This is often a second life-and-death moment, almost a replay of the death and rebirth of the Ordeal. Death and darkness get in one last, desperate shot before being finally defeated 

RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR: The hero Returns to the Ordinary World but the journey is meaningless unless she brings back some Elixir, treasure, or lesson from the Special World 


HOMEWORK (Download and print the file): 

1. Map out the pivotal scenes in Star Wars: A New Hope (Episode IV) that match up with the Hero's Journey

2. How does the plot in your own novel match up with the Hero's Journey? Are sections missing? If so, why? (Remember, the Hero's Journey is just one of many plot devices--albeit a commonly seen and successful one.)

The Lightning Thief By Rick Riordan

Book one of the Percy Jackson series. Percy is the son of Poseidon. He lives with his mom and his step dad that he hates. He goes to camp half blood for the summer and they find out someone stole Zeus's lightning bolt.

It is a exciting suspenseful book that keeps you reading.

If you like mythology I recommend this book.

Review by Stephanie