Dialogue Mechanics

Notes from “Self-editing for Fiction Writers”

What’s wrong with the dialogue in the following examples?

Example 1:

“You can’t be serious,” she said in astonishment.

Example 2:

“I find that difficult to accept,” she said in astonishment.

Example 3:

“I’m afraid it’s not going very well,” he said grimly.

“Keep scrubbing until you’re finished,” she said harshly.

“I don’t know, I can’t seem to work up the steam to do anything,” he said listlessly.

Example 4:

“Give it to me,” she demanded.

“Here it is,” he offered.

“Is it loaded?” she inquired

Example 5:

“I hate to admit that,” he grimaced.

“Come closer,” she smiled.

“So you’ve changed your mind,” he chuckled.

Example 6 (conversation between two people)

“I just don’t believe he’d say that, Chet.”

“Well, Hortense, I may have heard wrong, but—”

“Cut it out, Chet. Just cut it out.”

DIALOGUE TIPS

• Every time you insert an explanation into dialogue, you’re cheating your readers out of a little bit of one of your characters.

• Don’t use speaker attributions as a way of slipping in explanations into your dialogue.

• Your best bet is to use the verb “said” almost without exception. Verbs other than “said” tend to draw attention away from the dialogue. It draws attention to your technique as a reader, and a technique that distracts the reader is never a good idea.

• Don’t open a paragraph of dialogue with the speaker attribution. Instead, start a paragraph with dialogue and place the speaker attribution at the first natural break in the first sentence.

• Place the character’s name or pronoun first in the speaker attribution (i.e., “Dave said” instead of “said Dave.”

• Decide how you are going to refer to the character and stick with it for at least the length of the scene. Don’t use “Hubert said” on one page, “Mr. Winchester said,” on the next, and “the old man said” on the third.

• If you want to reduce the number of said’s in your dialogue, replace it with beats. For example:

“But didn’t you promise…” Jessie said.

“I did nothing of the sort,” Tyrone said.

“Now, look, you two—” Dudley said.

“You stay out of this,” Tyrone said.

“But didn’t you promise…” Jessie said.

“I did nothing of the sort,” Tyrone said.

Dudley stepped between them and held up his hands. “Now, look, you two—”

Tyrone spun on him. “You stay out of this.”

Key tip: Don’t get carried away with this technique. A beat after every line of dialogue is even more distracting than too many speaker attributions. Find a comfortable balance.

• Use ellipses (…) to show conversation training off. Use the em-dash (—) to cut off conversation abruptly.

• Start a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker.